For many of us around the world, Valentine's Day is almost here. Over the years, Valentine's Day has evolved into that one special day for focusing on the love we have in our lives and expressing this love usually in the form of beautiful words, cards and all manner of gifts. It has occurred to me that:
This celebration of love needs to be, not a one day event, (one day is definitely not enough!!!), but a year-round event.
And for "Real Love" to really occur, certain ingredients are required.
First, what is Real Love? Too many of us have no idea. For example, there is the myth of "love at first sight". Let's look at it logically: How can you love someone when you don't even know them? That "stranger across a crowded room" could be someone you should definitely avoid.
I have come to call this kind of love "Enchanted Love". Indeed, enchantment can be defined as "a spell that comes over us." And that's exactly what seems to happen when we experience love at first sight. It is mystical, exciting, passionate and delicious ...BUT... it is not Real Love. Ultimately the spell wears off, our humanness reveals itself, and questions arise as to whether this is really the person we want to have in our lives. It is at this time that many decide to end the relationship. Others decide it is worth the effort to move forward. It is only then that the journey to Real Love truly can begin. And sometimes Real Love surprisingly happens to a couple who had no romantic interest in each other in the beginning. As time passes and the inner beauty of each party is revealed to each other, a romantic interest is spurred and again the journey to Real Love begins.
Here is list of this wonderful recipe:
VALIDATION: Real Love can't exist in an environment of negative judgment and putdowns. Nothing feeds a feeling of love more than making our mate feel good about him or herself.
RESPONSIBILITY: Real Love can't exist when we blame our mate for our unhappiness. My favorite tool for moving into Real Love is to pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass. When we pick up the magnifying glass, we are into blame. A sad and powerless choice. When we pick up the mirror, we are filled with self-awareness which gives us the power to change what isn't working. As a result our resentment and anger disappear, and love is allowed to thrive. That's powerful!
APPRECIATION: Real Love can't exist in the absence of "thank you's". First we have to notice the gifts our mate brings into our lives instead of focusing on the negatives. (Why would we want to fill our heads with negativity instead of a feeling of abundance?) Then after noticing, we have to express our thanks. What a warm and wonderful feeling for both parties when thanks are expressed!
A RESPECT BASED ON THE HUMANNESS OF OUR PARTNERS: Real Love can't exist with fairy-tale expectations. As I already explained, it is when the original feeling of "Enchanted Love" (which isn't Real Love) disappears that the journey to Real Love begins. And as we train ourselves to focus on what I call our "Higher Purpose" in a relationship...that of becoming a more loving person...we are able to push through our negative habits and emerge as strong and caring human beings. In this way, step-by-step, our love can grow...and grow...and grow.
COMMITMENT: Real Love can't exist when one foot is out the door. When we are in a relationship, we should be there 100%. This doesn't mean you have to stay there forever if circumstances tell you it is time to leave, but while you are there...give it everything you've got.
AN OPEN HEART: Real Love can't exist when we shut the door to the beauty that lies within our own being...and that of our mates. Fear often causes us to close our hearts. We need to learn how to push through the fear, knowing that we can handle whatever happens. Say to yourself over and over again, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it." When we have this important knowing, we become "safely vulnerable" allowing our hearts to open.
ALONE-TIME TOGETHER: Real Love requires sacred time to focus on and appreciate the beauty of each other. Life too often steps in and interferes with the couple-closeness needed for love to flourish. Two big barriers to couple-closeness are children and work. We have to get very creative and find our way to beautiful moments alone together.
COMMUNICATION: Real Love requires that we connect from a place of sharing, caring and learning. Again, it isn't about blame...it is about learning how to ask for what we need in a loving way and learning how to better understand the needs of our mate. Only from understanding can constructive actions take place.
KINDNESS: Real Love can't exist when we are oblivious to the pain we are causing our mate. Too often we say we love our mate, but we don't treat him or her very lovingly. We need to treat our mate as our best friend, and ultimately that's what he or she can become.
CELEBRATION: Real Love can't exist when we take the blessings of our union for granted. Celebrate daily the beauty our mate brings into our life. A simple toast at dinner that says, "Thank you and I love you" reminds us of the sublime gift that our partner brings into our lives.
There you have it...just a taste of what I consider to be the main ingredients of Real Love. I might add that while these components may seem an obvious requirement for a healthy and fulfilling love,it is amazing how many of us don't see or act on what is obvious. Many of these components are absent from the lives of many couples who claim to love one another. Little do they know that, without these ingredients being integrated into their relationship, their love will suffer greatly.
I have at times heard the erroneous concept that you shouldn't have to work on love. "If you have to work on it, it isn't Real Love." I disagree. The reality is that we are all human beings who are very often run by the weakest and most insecure part of who we are - our Lower Self. Our goal in a relationship is to learn how to rise to the most powerful and loving part of who we are - our Higher Self. This takes time; it takes focus; it takes an open mind; and, most importantly, it takes an understanding of what loving another person really means. If this understanding isn't there, very often the relationship breaks down.
You can see that a diet of Real Love is a nourishing gift we give to ourselves and to our mate. And because we are all human, we won't always get it right. As situations change in our lives, we have to keep fine-tuning. But as we focus on our Higher Purpose, that of becoming a more loving person, we begin to understand the joy, satisfaction, peace and caring that Real Love can bring. Heaven!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Adapted from The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love (Susan Jeffers)
